When I am king, all Fox News broadcasts will backpack the afterward abnegation at the basal of the screen: "For ball purposes only."
When I am king, there will be two kinds of cine theaters -- the under-21 theaters, and the over-21 theaters. You kids piss me off. Also, there will be beer, wine and whiskey accessible at the acknowledgment stands in the latter.
When I am king, Cindy McCain will baker me a accumulation of her adorable Vicodin-chip cookies.
When I am king, bodies who apostle that this country be fabricated "English only" charge bear all their arguments in Cherokee.
When I am king, bodies will be accustomed to accurately abduct annihilation from any abode of business that does not accommodate a diaper-changing abject in BOTH restrooms.
When I am king, I will address Joe Lieberman to a aphotic basement 3 afar into the earth's band area he will action a naked, bashed Dick Cheney for his food.
When I am king, whenever a aide or waitress at a restaurant asks you, "Are you done workin' on that?" afore demography your plates away, the meal will be free. I'm not "working on" anything. I'm adequate a meal, not architecture a rocket.
When I am king, any political auger who pretends to accept what activity is like for absolute bodies will be chloroformed, awash in the block of my car and alone off on a artery bend in Weehauken, NJ to acquisition a absolute job.
When I am king, Phil Gramm is hereby ordered to be my official taint depilator.
When I am king, bodies who trim their fingernails at assignment will be affected to accord anybody in their abode full-service pedicures and manicures.
When I am king, I will baddest a active acquaintance for John McCain, and he will be the alone man who can accomplish him assume active and active -- Fred Thompson.
When I am king, anyone who references the FOX TV appearance "24" as an altercation in favor of ache will be waterboarded with blood-warm mayonnaise.
When I am king, I will affair a abstinent adjustment amid absolute alliance laws and Senators Vitter and Craig.
When I am king, bodies who don't apperceive the "they're/their" aphorism will accept their computers confiscated and burned.
When I am king, bodies who berate clerks and behind-the-counter account workers for accessory inconveniences that weren't alike the accountability of that agent will be affected to watch the complete Vin Diesel filmography.
When I am king, bodies who say "the chargeless bazaar will fix it" will be affected to construe Ayn Rand books into asleep languages.
And finally, back I am king, candidates who use robo-callers will be beatific to Africa and affected to hook alone mosquitoes for malaria.
WTF? Recommended? OK, actuality be some added aristocratic proclamations.
When I am king, poll options will be editable, so I can change advantage No. 8 to apprehend "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
When I am king, Winona Ryder will be queen. For she has absolved out of the abundance with my heart, and I don't alike affliction that she never paid.
When I am king, the Olympic Games will affection the 50-meter schlep. The baron will bet the aristocratic treasury on the Israeli team.
When I am king, superdelegates get one vote -- and they charge angle in band with the blow of us in the band with the old ladies and the bad coffee.
When I am king, all presidential candidates from the Republican Party will accept to assignment at atomic 1 year in the foodservice industry actuality yelled at by their abject for whatever orders they blend up.
When I am king, "Talk Like a Pirate Day" will be "Talk Like a Pirate Week," and it will be a civic holiday.
When I am king, the official banderole of the commonwealth will affection fishnet and sparklers. You know, article classy.
When I am king, every 2004 Bush aborigine charge do article nice for an LGBT American on Sept. 5 (Freddie Mercury's birthday).
When I am king, bodies who address or say the chat "utilize" will be branded with the chat "USE."
When I am king, the bodies amenable for this advance will be affected to advance at a barbarian formation facility.
When I am king, George Carlin will be called the aboriginal and alone saint of Frisbeetarianism.
When I am king, SUVs will be broiled bottomward for atom and acclimated to body wind turbines.
When I am king, Rush Limbaugh will cascade my scotch and blow my cigars.
So let it be written. So let it be done. Verily, for I am king.
