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Over the accomplished brace of decades I accept watched, with a admixture of abhorrence and abstruse boredom, as Oscar red carpeting frocks absent their adventuresome carelessness and became stunningly conventional. No added asleep swans, no added back-to-front Dior pantsuits, no added blokes in coast Versaces. The reason? The Internet peanut gallery, boring but surely, abashed the A-listers out of annihilation blithe or beginning and into ancient country club allure gowns. Yes, I am talking about dresses with apprehension darts!
Simon Doonan is an author, appearance commentator, and artistic agent for Barneys New York.
The actuality that I accept not befuddled myself into on-coming cartage is due to one affair and one affair only: the Grammy Awards. (The actuality that the cartage in NYC no best moves at all is additionally a agency in my connected attendance on Earth, but let’s not get sidetracked.) I now await alone on the studs and starlets of the music industry to bear that life-enhancing blow of appearance eccentricity. Gimme some Jimi! Gimme some Janis! Gimme an Elton, a Madonna, or a one-boobie Lil' Kim!
Great news! Monday night, on the red-carpet of the 58th Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, the rappers, cowboys, and chanteuses let their freak-flags fly. Oh wait, no they didn’t.
In appointment environments all over the apple bodies are bathrobe like musicians—tats, James Perse t-shirts, Rag and Bone jeans, and Stan Smith sneakers are now totes the norm—and as of Monday night, the musicians are bathrobe like appointment workers.
Zendaya and Demi Lovato gave austere business-lady absoluteness in awfully chaste pantsuits. Miguel and Mark Ronson wore pinstripes. Sam Smith additionally autonomous for elegant, tailored artlessness … in an I-am-the-manager-of-the-Prada-store affectionate of a way. Alike George Clinton and Diplo looked appropriately accomplished in their gray suits. Yes, you heard right: George Funkadelic Clinton wore a gray suit.
Jason Merritt/Getty Images for NARAS, Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images for NARAS
John Legend, Common, Charlie Puth, and Lionel Richie anniversary apparent a acting attack at bluster in a black-on-black tuxedo. Which brings us to the white tuxedos, and the abominable deluge thereof: Big Sean, James Corden, and the Biebs all autonomous for this adumbration of old-school Palm Beach style. See you at the Bath and Tennis Club!
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The better disappointment for moi were the country stars. Remember the era back country stars wore glitzy, blatant Western-wear abstract with cacti and agreeable notes? Well, it’s over.
Carrie Underwood in her atramentous bustier and foofed-back beard resembled uber-chic Lee Radziwill, about 1965. Kacey Musgraves in an Armani Prive bustier, looked added like Natalie Portman than Loretta Lynn.* Sam Hunt wore a flesh-colored Dolce and Gabbana suit, bare any embroidery. Little Big Town, coiffed and appropriate, screamed accumulated anniversary party.
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There were a few notable holdouts: James Bay with his continued beard and fedora resembled a macho Patti Smith. Elle King exuded blatant glam. The Hollywood Vampires—Alice Cooper, Johnny Depp and Joe Perry—were refreshingly Keith Richards–ish.
Larry Busacca/Getty Images for NARAS
ASAP Rocky looked cool and funky, and I’m not aloof adage that because he was accustomed my Goyard man-bag.
Jason Merritt/Getty Images for NARAS
Gaga, acutely readied for her abundant talked about Bowie tribute, teamed a bonfire of Ziggy beard with a acutely glam-rock kimono. However, compared with the time she accustomed central an egg—born aloft by beef bodies in 2011—she looked like Reba.
Jason Merritt/Getty Images for NARAS
Here is my approach about what went wrong: In their accomplishment to attending like applicable “brands”—I’m not a drug-addled bitchy performer; I am a alive business entrepreneur!—the stars dressed in aseptic appointment attire. The result? Shockingly, they looked alike added bourgeois than the attendees to the Academy Awards. Thereby proving commodity that I accept consistently suspected: Being a “brand” is a huge, anti-fun bummer.
The upside? Now I am absolutely attractive advanced to the Oscars.
*Correction, Feb. 16, 2016: This commodity originally misspelled Natalie Portman’s aboriginal name. (Return.)
