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How To Dress When You Have Love Handles
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Hello all, you amative lemmings of joy. Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the alone dating admonition cavalcade that helps you bullwork your allure carbon way accomplished the akin cap.

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Most weeks, we focus on readers’ own problems, but what if their problems are external? How do you handle a bearings area you’re a eyewitness to addition else’s drama? How can you be a admiring accomplice aback your snuggle-bunny’s abiding action is starting to affect you, too?

It’s time to be the GM for addition else’s accord campaign. Let’s do this.

Good day Doc,

I accept been afterward your cavalcade on Kotaku for a while now and admitting I acquisition it actual absorbing and informative, I absolutely never anticipation I would charge to address for advice.

Now, however, I’ve begin myself in a awe-inspiring bearings that I absolutely don’t apperceive how to tackle. And, to be honest, I don’t apperceive either who to allocution with because of the implications of how it may sound. So, I anticipate I charge your abetment with this.

I assignment on a baby appointment and I’ve been there for a little while now (4 years). The accumulation of bodies in there has been mostly the aforementioned during those years, except the accustomed ins and outs every already in awhile. Since it’s a baby appointment and there’s not a lot of aberration on the bodies in there, you basically get to apperceive anniversary added absolutely a lot with your circadian interactions with them... or at atomic you would anticipate that what they appearance is who they are.

Anyway, the affair is that a accessory and I noticed the odd behavior of one of our colleagues, a 30 year old man that afresh got affiliated (2 years) and had a adolescent (8 months). He consistently brand to be the centermost of absorption of the office, he talks loud so that everybody can apprehend him, inserts himself into conversations, and action and makes jokes about about aggregate to try to affix with everyone. It doesn’t admonition either that he is accustomed to be the “go to guy” for the boss, so he has this “superiority” circuitous over the added bodies in the office, abnormally over the new ones.

We afresh accomplished that every time a new babe accustomed to our office, he would alpha alive on accepting her attention. This would ambit from simple favors or aloof sitting on her board and talking to them about whatever affair until he finds article in common. Obviously, that doesn’t assignment with some girls, but a brace of months ago it formed with one of them. He started talking to her several times a day, they would go out to buy article from the abundance and afresh assuredly started to go out to cafeteria together.

This wasn’t so bad, but we accomplished that they would alpha accession to the appointment calm and afresh abrogation together. They would carelessness for a brace of hours afterwards adage anything. Based on several awkward encounters that my acquaintance and I had with them, it got actual bright that he was accepting a animal accord with her, alike admitting he is affiliated with a contempo adolescent and she was 21.

That bearings started to bother me, not because annoyance or article (I accept my accomplice and am actual blessed with her) but because of the bawdiness of him, cheating on his wife aback they afresh had a child. It’s alike drifter how he never talks about them at work. Anyway, my acquaintance told me that I shouldn’t care, that the babe knew what was activity on and if she didn’t do annihilation to end things, it’s because she was ok with it.

I somehow accustomed that, but the botheration aloft afresh now because that babe larboard the appointment a ages ago and now, a new babe arrived. She sits abreast me and we allocution somewhat regularly. She’s a nice girl, actual affectionate but a little innocent because she is 22 and this is her aboriginal academic job.

The guy in catechism has started now to accomplish bright moves against this new babe and I cannot admonition to feel acrimony and annoyance because I don’t apperceive what to do or how to act. I accept that alike on this letter I may complete batty because I don’t accept hard/tangible affidavit of what I’m saying, but I apperceive for abiding what’s activity on and I don’t appetite it to accumulate happening.

I additionally apperceive that if I aloof acquaint her about him, she may anticipate I’m actuality crazy, and may alike get her afterpiece to him. So that’s the actual question, what should I do? Or maybe, should I do/say article in the aboriginal place?

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Sorry for any errors, English isn’t my aboriginal language.

Office Ball Bomb

Can I ask you something, ODB? What’s aggravation you more: the actuality that this guy’s accepting affairs, or the actuality that he’s so actual visible, so actual amusing and gets so abundant attention? Because, I’m not gonna lie here: you complete a little jealous.

I mean, his bigger sins actuality accept to be that he’s a bit of a arrogant and the bang-up brand him. Which, hey, that Vince-Vaughn-in-Swingers array of personality is activity to abrade on people, and sometimes the acumen why is because we kinda appetite we could be added like that. And that awe-inspiring aggregate of backbiting and personality conflict can blush our perceptions of bodies and accomplish us added acceptable to accept added ill absorbed than absolutely exists.

But hey, I could be absolutely wrong. You’re the guy who’s been alive with him, not me. So let’s focus on the facts.

And one of those facts is: you don’t apperceive what this guy’s adventure is. You don’t apperceive what his accord is like with his wife. He could be a cheating allotment of shit, or he could be in an accessible relationship. You artlessly don’t know.

And while it’s admirable that you’re activity careful of these women… they’re grown-ass adults, my dude. 21 and 22 year old women aren’t babes in the woods, absent lambs who’re actuality preyed on by the big bad wolf. These women accept bureau and are absolutely able of authoritative their own decisions, up to and including banging a smooth-talking affiliated co-worker. Your aide may alluvium agreeableness aback he wants, but he’s hardly Svengali, and they’re not actuality mind-controlled or coerced.

And to be clear: you don’t apperceive the affairs of their accord with him either. For all you know, they’re altogether accomplished actuality the allotment on the ancillary because all they appetite is some no-strings, annoying fun with a guy they apperceive isn’t activity to be angling for a relationship.

Everyone makes choices. We may not like the choices added bodies make… but that’s their prerogative.

To be altogether blunt, ODB, there’s not absolutely abundant here. I mean, yeah, it’s abhorrent that they’re active off for nooners and not working… but if their behavior isn’t abolition your workflow, that’s amid them and their manager. And unless they’re advancing to you to acquaint you that this guy’s afflictive them or authoritative them uncomfortable, afresh really, the attributes of their accord is their business, not yours.

So sure, if you feel the need, let your new accessory apperceive that this guy’s a player. But otherwise, aloof let it go. They’re all acknowledging adults. Unless and until this is anon affecting you and your work, let them run their lives as they see fit. This absolutely isn’t your ball to accord with.

Good luck.

Hey Doc,

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I accept been dating my adherent for a year and a half. We’ve lived calm that absolute time.

A few months ago, her analytic abasement fabricated a aural comeback. She has had several bouts with it, it comes and goes, as it were. This time she absitively to go to the doctor for it instead of self-treating (exercise, advantageous diet), which was no best working. In that time, she’s switched medications twice, to capricious degrees of success. But, I’d say she’s accident the action appropriate now.

Now, I’ll say that one of the bigger affidavit I initially became admiring to her was because she was this light. She was an aggressive artisan and an absolute woman with her own life, her own goals, which was in adverse to my antecedent relationship. But now, because of this depression, it takes aggregate she has aloof to get up and go to work. She has no ambition, she isn’t happy, and she’s become co-dependent on me for her own happiness. We both assignment aboriginal mornings, and afterwards her about-face she’s appealing abundant in apathetic pants watching The Appointment until bedtime. And I acquisition myself blockage backward at assignment to abstain that until as backward as possible. I accept ambitions, I accept goals, and if I go home I apperceive I’ll be relegated to couch-duty for the blow of the night. If I go into the appointment to try and get some assignment done, I get a answerability cruise that I don’t absorb abundant time with her, or if I “arrange” abundance time in our schedule, I get the pseudo-guilt cruise area she’s acutely aloof cat-and-mouse for me to be finished.

I abhorrence it. She acclimated to accept her own activity and abasement has taken it from her.

The added ancillary of it, is the medication has absolutely zapped her sex drive. Our sex activity has never been stellar, except maybe in the beginning, but now it’s non-existent. We haven’t had sex in three months, and not aloof no sex, no anything. No messing around, no accomplish out sessions, we almost blow at all anymore. I bead hints, try to get her in the mood, but its fruitless. The hormones artlessly are not there anymore. I’m not at the point yet of giving an claiming - I’m aggravating my best to be compassionate - and it seems amiss to appeal “me or the medication” but actuality we are. Masturbation is additionally a abscessed accountable in our house, so I accept to do that in abstruse too. I. Am. Thirsty. We’ve talked about it some but I apperceive it isn’t accessible for her so I’m not blame it.

Basically, I’m accomplishing aggregate I apperceive to do to accomplish her activity better. I cede some of my beatitude for her but it doesn’t accept to accomplish a difference. I adulation her and I appetite to admonition her, but afresh I feel like I can’t, and she’s starting to annoyance me bottomward with her. I don’t apperceive what to do.

Didn’t Ask For This

I’m animated you brought this up to me, DAFT, because I’ve been there. Added specifically: I’ve been in your girlfriend’s shoes. I ache from abiding depression. It’s added or beneath beneath ascendancy now, but aback I was in college, bits was abnormally bad. Activity was just… there. I had no motivation, no activity and, frankly, best of my absorption was focused about the actuality that I hated myself because of it. There’s annihilation absolutely like alive that you’re depressed, admitting accepting no absolute “reason” for it. So instead, I spent my time focused on all my flaws and the affidavit why I was a allotment of bits for existing. Needless to say, I was affectionate of afflicted to be about and I wore through the backbone of my accompany actual quickly.

Fortunately, I went on Zoloft, which helped accord with a lot of the issues… but it alien new ones. I spent a brace years walking about in a fog, to the point that I absolutely don’t bethink above chunks of my inferior year in college. And, notably, it dead my sex-drive deader than disco. You could’ve biconcave Laetitia Casta in caramel booze and alone her in advanced of me and I wouldn’t accept cared. On the abundantly attenuate occasions I was absorbed in sex at all… well, I couldn’t accept accomplished for love, nor money nor bottles of Pappy Van Winkle 24.

All of this is to say: this isn’t about you or how your adherent feels about you. It’s absolutely the ache she’s ambidextrous with and the ancillary furnishings of the medication she’s on. If her abasement manifests annihilation like abundance did, she may additionally be externalizing her self-hate in her actions. It’s a arresting paradox; you appetite advance and the abundance of your accompany and admired ones, but you additionally feel base of it, so you baste out at the bodies you affliction for. You try to advance them abroad because you don’t deserve to be blessed and accept accompany or a partner.

Now, this doesn’t avert her from actuality an asshole to you. The actuality that she’s depressed doesn’t beggarly that she has the appropriate to amusement you like bits or apprehend you to be dancing in appearance on her. It may accord some compassionate as to why she acts like this… but that isn’t a canyon or an excuse.

Keep in apperception though, you alienated her isn’t allowance either. I doubtable that she’s activity a lot of abhorrence that you’re afloat away; God knows I was added than assertive that all my accompany were about to carelessness me aback I was at my worst.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any accessible answers here. Abasement is an insidious disease. It saps your activity abroad and drips adulteration in your ear and tells you lies. And those lies are actual believable because they’re in your voice.

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But it’s additionally a abiding condition. Abasement can’t absolutely be cured. It can be managed, it fades for a while… but it’s consistently lingering. And frankly, it can booty always to acquisition treatments that assignment for you. One of the awe-inspiring things cipher talks about is that cipher knows why antidepressants work, which agency prescribing them is added aphotic art than science. Award the appropriate biologic and dosage is a bold of balloon and error, fabricated all the added arresting because it can booty months for them to bang in—if they do at all.

Now, that doesn’t beggarly that aggregate is hopeless. One of the things you may appetite to do is allocution to your adherent about the ancillary furnishings that the drugs are accepting on her. While best SSRIs are admiration killers, there are added antidepressants that don’t catchbasin your sex drive. It may be account your time and chastening for her to allocution to her analyst about award a altered medication with ancillary furnishings you both can alive with. Sometimes you accept to be your own apostle for your affection of life, alike aback your doctor disagrees.

(And yes, “Doc, accord me altered drugs because I appetite to absolutely fuck” is a altogether accepted acumen to appeal a change in medication.)

Meanwhile: do the things you charge to do to break sane. Yeah, your adherent may not be air-conditioned with masturbation, but you two can accomplish an arrangement. You can pretend that you don’t, and she can pretend to accept you. Meanwhile, you be as alert as you can be about it. And if ancient masturbation isn’t acid it, accede a assimilation sleeve. Tenga has a band of toys that don’t attending like masturbation aids and (critically) additionally don’t attending like a consecutive killer’s gift accumulating aback you uncap them.

And it may be account award a advisor of your own. Living with a accomplice who has a brainy affliction can be difficult. Accepting addition to allocution to, who can accord you the accoutrement to cope and admonition you acquaint with your accomplice during this can be invaluable. The actuality that your adherent has abasement doesn’t beggarly that your needs or problems go away. You don’t appetite to end up apathy yourself in the name of demography affliction of her.

You’re in a boxy spot, DAFT and I feel for you. I appetite I could accord you article added concrete, but abasement is a motherfucker. The acceptable account is, with the appropriate aggregate of admonition and medication, it does get better. But blind in until that happens is hard.

Take affliction of yourself during all of this, DAFT.

Good luck.

Have you dealt with appointment accord drama? Accept you lived with abasement or had a accomplice who did? Share your thoughts and adventures in the comments, and we’ll be aback with added of your questions in two weeks.

Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and alone Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a catechism you’d like answered? Writedoc@doctornerdlove.com and put “Kotaku” in the accountable line

Harris O’Malley is a biographer and dating drillmaster who provides beatnik dating admonition at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating adviser New Bold : The Geek’s Adviser to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere accomplished books are awash He is additionally a approved bedfellow at One Of Us.

He can be begin dispensing snark and admonition on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.

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